Just rambling

Well, I overslept today. I didn't make it to church (again). I set the alarm, then I either don't hear it or I turn it off in my sleep. I suppose it's easy to blame everything on fibromyalgia, but this time, my body just needed to rest. I slept 'til nearly 11 a.m. this morning THEN took another hour and a half nap this afternoon. I'm worn down.

Since I am rambling in 'cyberspace' so to speak, I want to write a little about my battle with fibro. A couple of years ago, my PCP told me she thought I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I could see that. I was constantly tired, depressed...have a lot of female problems. After those problems multiplied, I ended up having a total hysterectomy in May of 2007. That seems like when my major health problems snow-balled. It's been a battle ever since.

It started the day after I came home from the hospital. I ached all over -- like I had the flu. I honestly thought I did. The pain was intense. So much so that I called my gynecologist around mid-night because of the pain. He had me meet him at the triage at 6 a.m. He gave me anti-biotics because something in my bloodcount was off...so I took the meds at what has been the beginning of what is sometimes a living he!! (I don't use swear words - so that's the closest you'll see me write).

Since May of '07, I have encounted swelling in my joints, muscle pain and flu-like aches nearly everyday. This 'disease' has no mercy. People don't always see when I hurt. I've become a master of disguise in many ways...laughing to cover up the tears that want to run. I try to hide it, but there are times that I can't. I've also had the following problems happen to me health-wise for the last year and a half. I had a lesion on my lung which I had to have a biopsy on, I've had kidney stones, diverticulitis, gallbladder removal, pneumonia, several sinus infections, ear infections, kidney infections.... just to get started. There are also days that I can barely walk or get out of bed. There are often days of pain in certain areas of my body (wrist, ankles, feet, leg...etc) that hurt for even clothing to touch them. I can forget about opening my medication bottles on those days. I've also developed sleep apnea, Restless Leg Syndrome, depression....to name a few other things. I also have lupus...but the rheumatologist told me "not to worry - it's not the kind that will kill me right away!" Yes, those were his exact words.

The meds they've tried me on have caused me to gain weight. That makes me even more depressed. I have a husband (now) that loves me despite what I'm going through even though I feel I am a burden to him much of the time. There are times that I can't make plans of any kind. I never know what my body will do from one day to the next. I'm doing good to make it to work and back most days....and on the days I do, many times I nod off to sleep driving!!! Dangerous, but it doesn't matter to most people. Not as long as I'm there and I get my work done with a smile. Many days getting there is the worst part because I absolutely love my job! If I didn't, I'm sure it would be even harder to get there daily.

Ok, enough rambling tonight. (Unless, of course, I can't sleep later on tonight). Maybe I'll write about happy things next time.

Fibro-girl out....
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This is Me

Who am I? I've asked myself that over and over lately. Sometimes I think I know who I am. Other times I thought I did. Now...I'm not sure at all. I have many things that are on my mind tonight. One of them is that question of who am I anyway?

This is what I do know about me: I'm 40 years old. I am a Christian - even though I don't deserve it. I am a wife and mother. I work full-time at a job I love. I have wonderful parents and siblings along with a sweet little niece. I am a coupon-clipper. I have fibromyalgia and lupus so I hurt pretty much constantly. I do know that my pain doesn't matter to a lot of people. I have also realized that I apparently whine too much. It's not that I mean to -- but I do. A friend of mine told me once to "get my big girl panties on and deal with it." I try to for the most part, but there are times...a lot of times lately...when the pain is so intense nothing that I do will relieve it. Clothing hurts my skin sometimes. Certain sounds make my body hurt for some weird reason. There are days I can barely get out of the bed. People don't understand. They can't help it. If you don't have this, you can't possibly understand.

Pain causes many problems for me. When I try to deal on my own, I get quiet and that makes other people think I'm mad or upset at them for some reason. When I do give in and tell them I'm hurting, then they wonder why I didn't tell them and then they get mad at me because I don't 'whine' about it and tell them I hurt. I hate fibromyalgia - it is an evil life stealer. I have a lot more to write about on this, but I'm going to let my daughter and her friends check their 'myspace' account before the hormones in those teenagers run rampant.

More later...